Shh, no squealing, remember, it's all in your head..

I feel good.


Got this under my arm, I actually don't care about anything lately.
I laugh a lot, I feel glad about every event during my day.
I like this boy.
Ahahaha no actually I don't, but you'll never know ;)

Rebound.

Spent all of last night in Richmondhill, I feel like I went back five years, grabbed those years and brought them into my life now. Starbucks with Sharon and Richmond Heights, walked to Mackillop which is my grade 5-7 elementary school, walked around it, remembered all the moments we had on the stairs, the portables, the playgrounds, wrote our names on the entrance doors, Katya, Sharon 2003-2007. Took a walk down my old street, stood in front of my old house. It wasn't sad though, it felt good. No nostalgia, just made me think. Like Sharon said;

"Ahaha here you are, 42 thousand parties and 4 boyfriends later"

"How am I still standing?"

As you already know, probably, because people can't shut the fuck up, left to another school. Bailey's school. I didn't even realize I was going to see so many people from Mackillop, and even Vellore. Some things are just meant to be, some people are just meant to meet again. Sharon might even transfer because it is right next to her building. I don't know what is going on right now, but things are so good. I can't even write, I'm out of nice words and deep meanings, but I'm happy.
There's also someone interesting on the scene... But ever since friday at the bar when N asked  me out, and I said yes, things have been different. Even though I don't take us seriously, I feel like I belong on his road and I can't make any turns.


Going to go see Ella today at Mack, talk to her about things, I'm so excited. Tonight me, A and B are having dinner together and drinks afterwards.


Coming to this new beginning wasn't as hectic and exciting as I thought it would be. And thats good. It's perfect actually.

 

 

Untitled

Is this giving up? I don't know where my mind is at all these days. It's hard to talk to people, it's hard not to talk to people. I can't go to school anymore. I can't walk in and see everyone. I don't know what to do. For once in my life I don't know. I called B's school today and explained them the situation and gave them the information but they said it will be hard at this time. I think I'll do anything it takes. But when I get there, what will happen? I will get up at 6 in the morning, pull on my clothes and head over there to bury myself in the books and the coffee, will I be happy? I feel excited. I have a good feeling though. Like B said I need a new start, and I was told not to run away from problems and I haven't. Really, I have been facing my problems face to face for the past two weeks but it's been enough. I'm going through what feels like hell and I can't put up with everything at once, call me a wimp. 

 "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I disagree on so many levels. Because every struggle that hasn't killed me has messed up my head. Now I'm just confused. I know what I want but I don't know where all these feelings are coming from. It's scary sometimes. But we all agreed, things will get better. Because really, Kate, how many times have you felt like this? It's been worse, you didn't know what to do back then either. Then you said yourself how it's amazing what time can do. How much it can make things not matter. So let's just wait.

I don't know what to do about A. I know I lost him now, but I think for the right reasons. I can't fake happy, and living in the past is how I keep my point of view. You told me to just live in the moment and focus on now and not what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow. I hope you know how much that helped and how much I appreciate you being there for the little amount of time that I have known you. It's just that you met me at a very strange time in my life. People are hardly what you think they are when you meet them, but I think you're wonderful and deserve someone equally wonderful. I can't collect my mind to think of anything else to say to you right now. Just know I think of you.

Find meaning in the struggle.

This was probably a mistake

But you should know.

Here we go

I remember when me and Cody used to talk he told me right away that he has no love to offer, he is used up and I should never hope for anything like that because he is done. I know what he feels like. All of you talk about me and wonder what it's like to be like me or to be like Cody, well guess what, it ain't that fucking great. Only the most troubled people make it out into the world. So here we are. We are the most obvious, huge, punching bags. We are like paintings in "Earth's Art Gallery", revealing ourselves and out here for you to leave fingerprints and dust on us. 


I know I have done a lot of wrong or at least I have been told so. I think of myself these days and think I'm a monster. But I'll take credit this time and say that I realized I'm not. Because I suffer everyday for what I have done in the past. I have a conscience. I believe in people. I believe in finding a better of life, but right now things are just so hard that I can only do the one thing I'm really good at and that thing is a huge disappointment.


I want to thank Bailey Gembom for being alive. She deserves to be understood through the shit she has been through. I will be with you soon. I don't know what love is and I hardly believe in it these days but I feel strongly about our friendship and it helps me. People say that is love.

I think teachers read this...

I hope you are reading this, because I have been worried and I can say I regret giving you the address of my blog. Mostly because after scrolling through it I really do not write about anything that interesting or intelligent, at all in fact.. Its bits of writing that would disappoint you because for some reason you seem to have so much hope in me which I appreciate endlessly, but then again I am (as much as it revolts me when people say this) a teenager, with a fuck load of problems that I have brought upon myself and if I can write about anything I want, this will be it; everything that goes through my head. This is my mind, and you are staring directly inside it through a glass wall. A really thick glass wall because from where you’re sitting it’s probably 110 percent different.

What am I still doing here?

Sitting in the Library trying so hard to focus on a project when the only things running through my head is how bad the outcome will be and how I have problems that need to be solved. How much I miss Anth and how much I need to see B and how badly I need to get into Langstaff. Because now its possible, because now I have an address to give them and because a girl in school told me how she busses an hour and a half everyday from Richmondhill to get to this shithole. So I’m going to do it. And I know it will be amazing. Laura is sitting next to me, she asked for makeup. No I don’t even bring that to school anymore. I don’t even wear it. I come here, and I learn and that is it. Well- I try to, anyways. I look around and everyone looks so lost. No one is having a full conversation, no one seems real. Just Mark smiling at me and telling me about how he loves kids and wants to be a councillor. He’s running through my tumblr, talking to me about how he wants to live downtown because its the closest thing to New York because I’m the only person who will understand. And I do, I always understood people but I never could bring my words across how I wanted to. Like a week ago, me and A got into a fight because him and O talked and obviously me and O do not like eachother the slightest anymore. I understood everything he was saying to me but I couldn’t apologize or tell him what goes through my head when I think of him. Then on Saturday we all went to Nuit Blanche and he was on with Molly and probably 15 shots of fuck knows what. He hugged me a couple of times, I felt disgusting.



I saw everyone Saturday, actually, I and C, holding hands. The whole N crew, T telling me how beautiful she thinks I am and how sorry her and everyone are for saying things to me out of anger. Alex really made my night. I even saw S, but no Nikola. I wish I saw Nikola because him and I talked all of last night about us and I wish he was there with me throughout Saturday night. When me and K and everyone met up I began accepting every bottle that came my way and soon enough our whole little group was spinning out of our minds.


“Kate.. everything is flashing in front of my eyes...”


“That’s what I’m saying!”


Bumped into I around 2 am again,


“Kate!” I look at him and keep walking, he pulls me back


“Hey.”


“Hi.”


“Yeah I’m too drunk to deal with this”


“I’m drunk too”


“Where’s C?”


“Over there”


“Bye”


“Bye”


Anth came to see me around 3 or something, but with C... For 10 minutes? It was too chaotic for him apparently which pissed me the fuck off. Everyone was like “fuck him”. But I don’t remember, anything. V walked around with me for the night, he’s amazing. Later came A’s and M’s tears and people shouting and setting things on fire till we finally made our way back to the car at 5 am. D and I sat next to each other, me leaning on him, there are honestly so many things about him that make him perfect but all those things would be the end of me. Beginning with the trail of white powder on the collar of his black trench.


Anyways, I hope I see Kate tonight so we can go to the movies.