Burning feeling in the pit of my stomach

So it's friday... I have a party to go to today with Michael, Rachel and Jeff and I don't even know if I feel like it. Not because I don't want to go but because my mom is acting like shes been taking crazy pills again. Fuck everything, why can't I be free. This bullshit has to happen at least once a month at a minimum. I'm scared to go. Scared to come back and face consiquences. It will have to be a sober night. But hell- I don't want to be sober.

Sitting in class. Friday hot afternoon. Sticky 1997 computer keyboard. Down the row from me-the boy I was once madly in infatuated with. Oh, he's calling me over. He wants me to show him how to open msn. "Is this why you called me over?" "No but.." "I don't fucking know."

I want to see Michael. I was with him yesterday. It was amazing. We spent about three hours on a hill at a park two steps east from yonge and sheppard. I miss him like hell. I  just want to be with him, all the time, everywhere. But I want to be free.

Bailey- 10 pm viva rides with a whole wheat bagel and cheese. You make my life. You keep me on the ground. A liter of coffee and I'm sleeping only to wake up and feel like somone beat me up. Oh also- I found out I can weigh 106 pounds, and that's standing at about 5'8 and be completely healthy. I would love to!

I'll update more later on how tonight goes.

For now, smokes with Helena. Well- no smokes for us. When will I get to sketch my own life and paint it all over the world with my own paintbrush?

All the crazy shit I did tonightt..

those will be the best memories
i jusss wanna let it go for the niiight


you hear that boyfran?


So happy right now. Love people. Love life. Hate school. Love to party. 


Everyone join!

Asian trainers and sushi

Today was a good day. Working out never felt better in my life. I could run for miles. I love Bailey. I actually never felt so close to a person so fast. My sister. I never enjoyed sushi more either. I think we may all head to a party together Friday night. Not for sure though. Also so excited to be with Sophie on the weekend. My life is missing her so much. My everything.

It was a really gloomy day though. Coffee, too much caramel and The Libertines through bus rides help thoughts unrawel. Simple and sentimental, I keep thinking of you.

Speechless Saturday

I don’t even know where to begin.

Friday was dull. Dinner with Sharon and Nicole, park, blasting Jay-Z as we’re driving down highway 7.

Saturday morning, I wake up and fuck I know it will be a good day. Shower and I pack for the beach party; a blanket, my camera, music, gum, happiness. I spent most of the day with Jeff, Rachel and my protégée Michael... Who by the way is amazing. Under a tree at Eglinton Park, sipping coke and vodka, puffing away and talking about everything. I love these people. Subway down to Woodbine beach and meet with others. We left the party early, around nine and went to Jeffs’ brothers’ house, I think. Too much drinking. Red bull and I could not sleep last night. Four am, liters of water and nightmares.

We spent 50 dollars on a cab ride, which was probably the best thing I’ve experienced this week. Drake blaring and Rachel’s cigarette smoke. Michael’s arm around me. Spring’s warm breeze.

I think this is more than worth our youth.

Tonight..

Me and a bunch of friends and my boo, of course, are heading down to the beach for a party. It will be amazing, I'm sure. On the way there I get to visit Yonge and Eglinton, old placer, older faces...
Pictures and description later! 

I didn't want to hurt anyone...

This is the continuation to the blog about my friend. I keep re-reading it and it is really harsh and she most likely laughed at it.. I wrote it when I was so angry that I  was ready to just fuck out of her life. But it was too harsh.


You gotta understand that I forget why we fight, and I forget all the things you have done to me and all the things I have done to you. But I will never forget the way you made me feel. My goal is to be happy, you know? I hope you understand.

New Obsession, Hopefully.

Yeezy

Officially downloaded all his albums & every song.


Pretty happy; going out soon, old friends, sushi/wine picnic. More later!

Saturday

Good morning.

        As I am writing this from the cold tiled floor in my bathroom because I am scared for my life to come out, I can feel a stabbing in the bottom side of my stomach and yet again; can't breathe. Why should I be in school? Yesterday at 11:30 pm after the dance: I come home, take a shower, make three calls and get in bed. I am convinced everyone else I know simply passed out the moment they saw a bed. Twenty minutes pass and my mother runs in asking me to do something that has already been done twice that evening. What? You perfectly know how tired I am. "I'm sorry, I can't feel my legs and you just woke me up." Not only do I get a series of insults, but my room door gets slammed so hard that the Pulp Fiction poster across my bed falls off, screeching. Can I sleep now? Fuck no. It's 1:02 am. Thinking about the weekend, drinking my 6th bottle of water for the night, hoping to sleep. 

      It is 7:35 am, she runs in waking me up asking me to do the exact same thing as last night. I was planning on going to school for second period, plus she allowed me in our previous conversation. Even though, I do whatever it is I am told to do. I ask her to sign permission forms for a trip which has a fee of twenty-five dollars. No, you are not getting money. I paid for a trip last week. You're using this money to buy drugs.

Yes, mother, I am.

I get screamed at for twenty more minutes, being told how much of a failure I am. Walk out of the house ten minutes early and walk halfway down the street. I feel my head getting hot like the fever I had two nights ago. Fuck this, I am still getting treated like I did when I started fucking highschool. I walk back home, get in bed, and wish that this week would end.

I honestly love my mom more than anyone in the world. No one cares about me as much (of course), but there is a problem that she herself does not realize. She is completely and utterly insane.

Everything in my life is about "tough love"

All I wish for is to be a character in a book right now. I remember when I was 9,10,11 and all  would do with my time was Harry Potter? As much as we make fun of that now, those were the happiest years of our childhood. Or so it seems at least. I think I'm going to go watch a movie, if I don't get kicked out of the house first.

Last Night..

Okay so we can say it was just a shitload of this. I cannot believe I'm blogging this, but wow, last night, was amazing. At some points I wish I was part black so I could just get in the middle of the dancefloor and do that. Oh well. Did it anyways.


"Am I too white for this!"
"NO SUCH THING AS TOO WHITE"


I love black men. But I already have one all to myself. Miss him. 
Oh, hope you enjoyed the picture.

I'm having severe problems

Health wise. 

People are more than correct when they say that if you don't have health, you don't have anything. I feel like I don't have anything. Just when I start caring about my health, it crashes down. Fevers, infections, vomiting, my god what the fuck have I done? I just want everything to be normal!

Old friends, Old memories

Finished my assignment. I feel good.


I'm losing a friend, simply because I think she is a bad influence on me. She made me a bitch that everyone despises. Of course I can't blame her but when I spend a few days with other people, I become the sweetest girl. We have been friends for four years. She makes me so angry at life, and I do not even show it. I make her feel like she is the most amazing, beautiful thing out there. She is insecure and likes to make others feel that way, as well, of course. I love her to death, but I want to hit her till she bleeds. She doesn't even realize we are growing apart. Or she doesn't care enough. 


I mean, she probably doesn't even know this blog exists. 

Good Morning.

Goodmorning-Kanye West



So I feel a lot better. I still don't know what I'm going to do with school. My life is going good, but my future isn't. I seem to only care about my friends whom I love a bit too much.


Help?


Good morning.

Some of this.

Thank you, Cassie.

E is for Empty.

I don't know what is going on with me but I am not in the mood, for anything. Anything productive that is. I miss my old self!


Maybe because I'm sick, it's all hitting me in the head- how much of a waste I am being.
My eyes are stinging. I can't sleep because I can't breathe.


I like a boy. Fuck..


What a mess.


Me and my friend Lisa Brown just spent about 4 hours laying in my bed talking about nothing, did we do anything for our project? No.. nothing. I was just coming off my 420 haze. 


Ice cream trucks, lots of skin.. summer, I'm going to fail.. and I'm missing the part where I care the littlest bit.

420

To all of those still doing it-enjoy your weed while it lasts.

So tired and so hungry

I hate today

:)

Skins

So I have been in love with the British show skins, I mean, it's my life in a show unfortunately and I am more and more in love with each hour of an episode...
Watch the amazing trailer here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4R65yl2-BY

The teen drama which appears to have taken British television by storm.
The show follows the lives of the characters:

Tony, the popular, confident, 'hit with the ladies' boy.

Sid, Tony's best friend, and who is also in love with Tony's girlfriend. He's often left in Tony's shadow.

Chris, he's in love with their psychology teacher and generally enjoys excitement. Has a tendency not to think everything through before he does it.

Michelle, Tony's not so happily ever after girlfriend. She gives a lot more love than she receives.

Maxxie, a homosexual, he's not ashamed of his sexuality, and neither are his friends, apart from Anwar.

Anwar, is Maxxie's best friend, although he believes homosexuality is wrong. He has a strong like for women.

Jal, a very intelligent and financially comfortable girl who's mother died and lives in a very musical family, playing clarinet herself.

Cassie, an anorexic girl who is deeply in love with Sid, despite knowing he's in love with Michelle.

Effy, Tony's sister, she very rarely speaks, and it's mentioned the only one she can really feel comfortable around is her brother Tony.

Note: these character descriptions were formed from the first series alone.

The show itself shows the highs and lows of each character, as they fall in and out of love, drugs and friendship. 

I need more happy moments.

Bailey Gembom, is an amazing girl. That is her on the right and me on the left.

I need to move on!

Everyone disappears- no matter who loves them.


I hope the people that are making me happy won't just burn out like the previous characters of my life's' unpredictable movie. I still can't get over the past six months. I got fucked over, again, and again and again. I'm fine now, but them ghosts won't leave.


But I love you- please don't leave.

We have not spoken for over a month.

You know sometimes you meet a person and you get really close. They seem like a good match for you in life. But it is just so unreal. Then they go ahead and just leave your life, completely blocking you out. It has been about two months and you're back. Thank god I don't want you anymore.

Friday.

My friend Alexx Benoits' birthday bonfire.

Amazing night, really, caught up on lost memories with a few people, made a few new ones.

My tights are laying on my bed still. The room smells like fire. It's amazing. 

In these pictures: 
Joshua Besharat
Sasha Shashkova
Alexx Benoit and her boyfriend


Oh, I wish I had a suntan
Oh, I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine
Oh, I wish I had a beach house
Then we could make a big fire every night
Instead I'm just crazy, I'm totally mad
Yeah I'm just crazy, I'm fucked in the head
And maybe if I really tried with all of my heart
Then I could make a brand new start in love with you

I'm back?

I'm back. I think I'm going to actually abuse this website like a diary from now. Posting my life onto a webpage. I had a tumblr for a while now; kateromanova.tumblr.com but I'm not really enjoying the all-image blog.. So I'm back.