Whoah.

So the party last night seemed to be one of the best nights of my life until this morning when two ex friends of mine decided to break out with their shitty emotions and turn against me. Lay off the drugs instead please. Either way, I had an amazing night. I love my friends. And cheers to Sophie and Alex who especially made my night wonderful.


Today is good too, with my girls and a few others. I really don't need anyone. I'm fine. Everything is just fine.

This shit is actually crazy

Aight
Ginger Ale and Vodka;
I'm ready to write at last, it's been such a block lately.. Such a mess.


It's been so hard lately, I seem alright but right now.. Like, in this moment, in these moments I always stop and think; what am I doing? Why do I feel like this? Why?


I'm a bit caught in between two.
One makes me happy,
One intrigues me.
I know what's good for me, but I always go for the one that's harder to get... 


I'm trying to tell you what's going on inside of me, I don't know why. And I know you feel it, I can see it in your smile, your eyes, I haven't seen you in three hours and I already miss you. You make me smile. I want you to be mine. So we got into these conversations, into eachother, but all that shit has been replaced with all the physical attraction, and when you pick me up and I'm wrapped around you, I just forget everything. 


Life's got to be like this, just relax, and reach over and hit the lights please, for now everything just seems so right, and how you make the darkness feel so bright? Feeling like things going to be alright.

Summer breeze brings changes

I have been spending a lot of time with people from my school. There's a man on the scene. Friday night I went out with a few friends to a party pretty close to my house, just as I did last weekend. Yesterday I spent my evening with Ela and the boy. Well- Ela first, then the boy.


There are about four weeks left of school, I have nothing accomplished and I'm behind in my work. My life is going amazing though. I got a call from Russia yesterday; an old friend asking about when I'll be coming down. July, I'm going to go back to the place where I grew up. I have a crazy nostalgic feeling about it. I'm a bit scared.


There's a party tonight, my friend Kait and Katie are taking me. Memories.

Even my mama thinks that my mind is gone..

Yesterday;


Michael Sarra;
I used to be so close to you. We actually shared lots of memories even if I blocked a lot of last year out. Youre a good person, and what happened to you, I don't really think you deserved.
No one even thinks these fights in Suburbia happen, but they do. Your face drenched in blood, you looked at me as if you hated me my whole life.


If someone comes up to you, stronger than you, with no good motives, you got no choice but to get hurt, but you have a choice to not lose your pride, right? Get beat, but don't kiss anyone's shoes. Kiss their shoe-and you deserved it.

Hey..Lady in the hall? Can you tell these people what I stand for?

I stumbled upon a few photos of a guy I was with back in October, he can't even be labeled as an ex, but his face looked so familiar in such a warm, welcoming way.. The way I don't see any other guy that I have actually called "boyfriend". I don't know. Maybe because I was there when the photos were taken, maybe not, I guess I miss him. A month ago he said we were meant to be.. I didn't even respond.

I never liked you

This is why I don't even think about you, this is why I'm not sad that we're done.


I hate the smell of your skin, I hate your lips, your tongue, your eyes. I hate your hair. I hate, oh my god, I hate your voice so much. I hate your attitude. The only good thing about you-your smile, and your touch. Both became overrated. I can't even stand you right now.

New life

-Yet again.

• You're really not a good friend. You think you are but you aren't. Get over youself, you don't love anyone except your boyfriend. Who can blame you though?
• I like this boy, but I don't got enough of him, even though he lives a few streets down. I always needed someone like that, so what are we waiting for now? See it's always going to be like this. Wasting time, wasting youth.
• Hude stomach ache, this weekend was another waste, I want my old fun single life back, no worries, remember; easy lucky free...?
• Insecurtities; they find a way to dig deep inside you and destroy you one by one, starting with you blaming your friends for all your mental problems. I need that inspiration, that something beautiful that will lead me throught anything. Like he said; something that provides me with everything.  Oh and- love isn't an option.
• Get inspired or get depressed.
• Life is too fast. It's May 17, 2010. Wait, what? Whaaat? 1990 was 20 years ago. I keep losing it. Theres so much nostalgia and it's just getting wiped out. I would give so much to go back to that moment when I was in my apartment on Frunze street in St' Petersburg. That little balcony that I used to cover in white blankets and sit in watching the yard and the kids on the swings. There were threes, and sunlight, everywhere. I swear I was infinite.

I forgot about the lookbook I used to be on..

Best night of my life..

Probably last night!
Congratulations mama, and I officially have a step-dad...


I love my new relatives too, as well as Helena, who is my family now. Forever.


I'm going to post so many photos later..

Last Friday..

I'm sorry,

I have been absent from you for a bit, because life has crashed again.

This weekend began perfectly, for the first few hours, and grew into a nightmare. I'm going to post the photos of the party later, and describe what happened... Not in details but somewhere there.

Current thoughts;

• "You could be more lean, for me"
• Me and Helena celebrating my mom's engagement friday night, will be amazing...
• Saturday night Kathy and Natasha's party, finally something in my area.
• How sorry I am to a certain two people, if I did something wrong, I'm sorry, I truly love you.

• You, you know who you are-I thought I would miss you, but no, not yet. I do want you in my life though, come back, but please-not yet.
• Where did all the happiness go??

Baby..

"I'm honestly so happy that you're in my life. I just have that feeling we talked about. I will always be a bit scared no matter how unsettling it is for you...  But I feel so good around you. Be mine? You are really helping me get over the past few months..
I was going to write more but my mom switched the tracks that my train was on.
Off to the gym now, more later.."

I wrote that so little while ago and forgot to submit it...
Me and "baby" are over now.

I feel like shit

My heart is a grave to be perfectly honest
My mouth's a smoking gun
And I smile while I'm twisting the knife in your stomach
Until everything is gone
Take all I can from you
You've got weak constitution
You're led so easily
So easily 

Headache

And a big one.

Tonight is the big night, at Julia's and I'm attending this time. I actually do hope Michael can come. Today is his birthday and I was hoping to celeberate it there but I don't think he even wants to come... He wants all his friends there and we just can't do that. I guess you can say we aren't really speaking right now. I hope this blows over.

Theres someone new in the scene as well, more on that later.

Can't wait for tonight...

Don't look around..

I got a few of my photos from the photoshoot I had in March.. Thank you www.SarahAmelia.com!

Flashing Lights..

I know I have not updated for a while, probably for the best. Just waiting for the emotion to settle down.


We all know what saturday May 1st was, and let's just say it was one of the best days of this month. I was disappointed with a few people for a bit but it's all good now, cause I learned to care about the right things.


I woke up that morning with a bit of a daze from the night before and decided to turn off my phone, miss my 11 am meet up with people and sleep until 1. I didn't even feel like going to the march. I went for a hair appointment, then receiving a text from Bailey asking if I would be coming and we agreed to meet up. I was done around 3 and left on a Bathurst bus to Downsview. Her phone was turned off till I got there. Then it just didn't pick up. Thank god I knew people there, right?


I met up with a few of my friends half an hour after getting there and we had the best few hours I could imagine. I finally saw Sophie too. But all this didn't matter. Why the fuck has he not called me? I know I broke his phone, aha, but why is it 5 and I have received no calls? I fucking miss you and I feel empty in the middle of 20,000 people and I know that you have been here since the morning...
Finally a call. Took my hand and we left Yorkville to his house. You have been amazing, thank you.
After a hot evening we met up with a few amazing people. They began drinking but I went home. I met a girl named Kate which is rare for me and we talked about modeling and life in general. I love his friends, they make me happy.


Buses home, conversations with people playing in my head over and over again. I spent about two hours talking to a guy from school that night. Please don't distract me. Or actually- do. I want to know what was meant to be.


Sundays always empty.
Monday-bottle of champagne, the gym for three hours.
Today-going for a walk with Helena. My life.

Random thoughts from my phone last night at 11:11 pm.

Coming back from the party with Rachel, Michael, Oren, Jeff and Aimee.. Everything is really blurry.

In the subway dying to get to a  bathroom but the train won't come. Oh my god.  remember winter last year. St Clair west and I was dying at around 12  in the evening. Calling Anna every two minutes... I was so into come coke head that went to Northview. I wasn't aware.. Where is he now? I promised myself I wouldn't talk to people like that anymore but we spoke last Saturday when he wanted to reach a Woodbine party with me. Of course I didn't see him. But lately I'm hardly aware if he is still alive or not.

I saw an ex boy today. No one knew. 

We got along. I'm happy. Time over time-everything is history repeated.


I'm at Bayview now. There's a sign that says "smile" grafted across a white wall. So smile? Just smile?

Viva now. I hope I don't smell like like a party. A girl at the bonfire gave me gum, she was cute. Makyala.

I love coming back home on the viva, the tinted windows, the street lights, the words on buildings all blurry making me have deja vu.  My eyes are closing on themselves. Familiar bus stops, familiar buildings, shadows, lights. Familiar feelings and familiar sorrow. This is what I get for my moment of clarity.


Nevertheless things have finally began to make sense lately. I feel better. I miss my family. I miss the life I left behind me when I moved, I miss my past, I miss the smell and the taste. I miss those things that if I hadn't lost I wouldn't be so lost myself. Now my head is just scattered in all this.

I miss you dad.

I missed you so much today.