True or false it may be, she's still out to get me

I never really talk about this. This state of mind, how it makes me feel.

I'm sitting here, my neck feels so hot. I'm hungry.
Forgetting all insecurities I have towards the world.

My heart is skipping beats. I need to relax.


Sue the spiders
Sink the Welsh
Stab your facebook
Sell sell sell
Undercooked
Overdone
Mass adulation not so funny
Poisoned honey
Pseudo science
Silly money
You're my honey 


I think I'm good, still just need to grab some food. Going to watch Entourage. Hmm back to the topic. I can't really describe this an emotional feeling anymore. It's become more physical. I can feel my heart beating, I can hear it to be more exact, but its like its racing between my rib cage and spinal cord. I can feel the blood in my veins moving, fast. Music is tickling my ears. If you play an old song that once made you euphoric, your mood will completely change and you'll feel amazing. I don't know if I can write more right now because I just want to lay down and fucking enjoy this.


Lots of love,
Kate.

What did I just do?

R called. 
"Come out, I'm standing in front of your house."


Why won't he leave me alone? I made it clear what I want last time things got too far. What I felt back in June is gone and what happened at 3 am on August 8th isn't supposed to happen again.


"Just come out, I'll buy you smokes."


We walk, hardly talk, I just walk looking at him as his music blasts out of his beats, his eyes are so red. I didn't tell you I saw him the other day too, before going to Kate's.


We lay on the grass, talking, he keeps moving closer and closer, takes my hand.


"Why do you do this?"
"Cause you're K.R." He leans in. "You've got that extra spice. I don't kiss girls. I just.. But all I wanna do is kiss you. We're in a parking lot, how far can we go in a parking lot? Obviously I just want to kiss you. Get at me over here."


I rolled one too many times today..

No big deal, just a kiss.

Fucking finally ahahhaha!


Last night was amazing. Today; terrible. 


Also mom told me I'm not going to New York with her... PARTY TIME?


A snapped at me yesterday.

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

6 Opiums and a Bloody Nose

I had an amazing night.


Everyone was at Kate's, we spent the most amazing evening together, even me and A are talking again and on great terms. So many photos...


We're driving back at 2:30 and the car breaks down. Why must this happen now? My mom is going to beat me to death.


And that is exactly what happened. Half to death. My phone is disconnected, she's screaming the same shit as always; move out, no one's ever going to love you, you're the worst person alive....ahhahahahaa.


K called the moment I turned my phone on, she asked if I was okay and if I needed anything, I just listened to her voice that seemed like it was so far away and thought about how lucky I am to have such a good friend like that. It's funny though, how I always pay attention to everyones problems, and then when something like this happens between me and my mom everyone just sort of freezes, and says they love me but can't fully relate. K, H, B, even I, all of them.
Where do I get strength from now?


The keys are so blurry.

Style; Entry # 1 ; Carven

Well first of all, everything has been great, have been with Kate for the past 48 hours, last night was wild... Trying to calm down now, picked up the fall's edition of "Holts" and came upon an entry about Guillaume Henry and his 'silhouettes enamored with Parisian charm, elegant simplicity and playful impertinence'. I usually don't even go near a Holts, but this was so pleasant to see.

  

I Need Your Heart, Because You're Always In the Right Place.

Talking to Z, he really helps. I ranted on for a bit how unfair it is that A is wasting time chopping some next bimbo while I'm here... 
Thank god, in the middle he just went;


"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"


I stopped, thinking yeah I have this answer I always had it but this time I was stuck. I'm not even sure anymore. I always wanted the beautiful city, the beautiful people, I wanted to travel and live with someone I loved. So I told him that. Then I added that none of that mattered as much my desire to be happy. 


He just said;
"Traveling, trying different weed and girls."
"But don't you want to find one that completes you? So you can discover everything together?"
"I've found out that relationships don't work for me. I just don't see myself in another one."
"But don't you think you're saying that only because you're so young? Every relationship is different, you can't let that one that ended badly make that decision for you."
"Words of wisdom, maybe one day I'll find somebody but I wouldn't mind living single forever."


I wish I could say that for myself, but I think I was born to love, or something.


Today felt lonely. Third day. K said she felt sick and is staying in all day, plus it was raining. I made plans with B and C but later on felt like staying in. Went on a walk, bought butts, coffee, got home to a family dinner, everyone on my stepdads side. O was there with her boyfriend. We went upstairs, got drunk and talked about relationships and the never-ending problems to do with them. I love talking.


Messaged Jesse, it was so out of nowhere, me and him went out for a couple of hours until really late, we talked about everything. I see him differently now. 

Infinite.

I just finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", like people said, it was amazing. It wasn't breathtaking like some books that made history, but it made me think, and it gave me a different perspective, which I really enjoyed. I like the feeling it gave me is what I'm trying to say. He worded things the way my brain words my thoughts in my head. I really loved it, I wish I lived during that time, too. It seems so beautiful in my kind of beautiful way. I wish it lasted longer than three days.


I feel good, I'm craving a bellie though, badly. I was with H yesterday and I literally killed myself over how badly I craved one. Just when I thought it would never happen.. Ahaha. I haven't done much in the past two days expect read and listen to people rant on about their lives. I like it. 
I'm going to cherry beach tomorrow with Kate and J and a few others I think.
She really became like my sister. Wednesday night we all went to Neverland. I've never been so open with anyone in my life, I've never felt so much love. 
I feel like she's an older sister, and we want a similar thing in our life, and we're sort of growing up together. Thats what it feels like. 


I'm also going to New York and Washington on the 2nd.. Dreams come true. 


I don't have anything else to say right now. But I'm smiling and about to go to hotbox my bathroom. 


Love always,
Kate.

We Want What We Can't Have.

Listening to Beethoven as I'm reading articles on this. But I believe we all need this kind of help these days. Me and T had a long conversation about how we want those who push us away because they give us that drive to work for that possibility of having that something one day. Those actions just end up pushing the person away more.

Love is beautiful, i saw it on TV !!

So back to the lady who was shocked, The main reason she felt so bad is that she heard me saying that falling in love is a process that is controlled by the mind and that our brains are like giant computers that look for a matches based on our past experiences, belief systems, relationship with parents, unmet needs and the way we were raised. 

 Because you have been brainwashed to believe that love is the soloution to all problems you will face a horrible time getting over anyone you can't have. 

 Love is the soloution to all problems: If you have this belief then you are classified as a loveaddict who uses love to cope with life problems. This is no different then drug abuse or cocaine addiction. The soloution is to fix your life not to find a romantic partner.

 There is only one soul mate: As soon as the computer in your brain finds another match you willfall in love with him. Why do you think people who love each other cheat? simply because there are hundreds of potential partners out there and not just one

Fix my life?.. 

Block Patry and the Past Few Nights..

Amazing

Block party today! But me and A haven't even spoken much since Sunday. It's so pathetic! Aha and he plays all these games like grow up, come on, you have everything you want in front of you if you weren't so childish about it.


Last night, party at Kates and slept over at her place with A the other night.. Which was amazing. I'll write more about it later and put up photos.. 


Things are strange but wonderful!

I Feel so Strange

Feels like a Molly flashback. I feel crazy.
I just spent the night with Adam and I feel so strange. We watched two movies, walked, smiled and talked about all the ways our experiments made us feel.


Can I blame Molly for the way I feel?
Do I need her again to regain the happiness I had the past couple of weeks...
What do I do? Where do I get help?
I just need a drink, but I can't because I stopped. Did I say need?..
What could possibly take me back to the place where I was a year or two ago? Or just a few months... I feel so crazy, like I'm living off animalistic feelings, to just want and never think. I'm exposing myself to everything that can harm a humans mind. When did all this start? 
When did want become need?


A crazy person never admits to being crazy. So as long as I think I'm utterly insane I'm fine right? What's standing in the way of control?


My emotions have an echo, in so much space, and maybe it's not because I don't know enough, I probably just know too much. I need help, but I always said that if you can't help yourself then no one else can. Plus who understands a crazy person?

On our way..

I think?
Spent the day at A's yesterday.
It was good. But that's all I can say, it was good. Had to leave early cause his mom came home.. I'm not used to this.. I don't even know what we are. I can't even say he's mine. I mean he says he's mine but ahhhaa I've heard that before. I just like to be sure. I feel like there's more to it than I know...
But anyways, I just need my friends right now. I really hope I see Helena today. Kate tomorrow? I miss someone too...
Someone prevent me from falling in love.

AHAHHAHAAA.


It's the day after now, we spoke a bit in the evening, he's appearing offline but posting all over. Won't talk to me. But it's alright. I'm just in a shitty mood. I don't know what it is. Going out for a butt, I'm almost at my goal.. Got 30 days, I'm going to do it. 

Stay Gold.

Know your limits, before it's too late.
Know your priorities. 
Know what matters, before it's too late.
Always slow down and think; where am I now?

Don't ever let yourself get influenced by people whom you do not love. Letting any person affect you is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Think about how many people can hurt you in a lifetime that weren't even in your heart? Be smarter than that.


I think I'm onto something good. A is back in my life and it feels right. When would I ever let a guy back after that? I don't know, I think he's something special. Or at least it feels special. I feel comfortable with him. Talking to him, about anything. I just want us official. There; I said it, I want us. Not for a month, or four months, for a long time. I need someone like you, with all you know and how you speak.

My Life Be Like

What the fuck has this past year been like?


I just got home from yet another party and yet again I feel like shit. I always went for the wrong men. Wait, not always, just the past year. There is a knife in my spine and it keeps twisting, I keep trying to think of who exactly is holding it just to forget that it's my own hand. 


I don't remember what love feels like.


Two years ago I was madly in love and it was so pure and real, now I brought myself into a world of needy feelings and month long "relationships". 


I miss, more than anything in the world, the feeling of having that "one" for me. That one person  who I unconditionally love, that knows me inside and out and I feel completely secure about. 


Nothing about unanswered texts,
Nothing about not knowing how they feel about you,
Nothing about wanting to kill myself every morning


This is such a pathetic entry!
I cant even write anymore!
Hold a fucking gun to my head and I won't be able to give you a decent piece of writing. 
Why do I let people see me in this light?


I was so happy a few hours ago.. 
Where is my mind,
What am I doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing


every noise, every cell of this computer screen that lights up this room, every breath, everything hurts 


I can't even breathe, I'm so sick.

My Personality Disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

"You Make Me Feel an Unrecognizable Way"

Why do I still think about you? It has been seven fucking months. This makes me so fucking mad, so frustrated, I was so fucking into you and I didn't even know until I broke up with you. I blame myself for this all the fucking time. We talked for three-something months, like you said eighty-something days and I was more "in love" than I was with the guy who I dated for half a year and a month. I re-read that long letter you wrote me when I told you I never wanted to speak to you again. It brought everything back again, I really shouldn't have. You were so into me, but you didn't want that relationship. You were intimidated and I just made things worse, the way I am. Now guys come and go and all I can think about is you. How you brought me into a different world where nothing but us mattered. Fuck fuck FUCK. My eyes are stinging now. 


It's funny how when something ends,  you begin to think about how it started. The first time I saw you. The first conversation we had, to be honest I didn't feel attracted to you at all at first, but I started noticing the way you worded things, your words, your attitude, it drove me crazy. You were so smart. And my friends agreed. It seemed perfect and what I loved the most is you helped me get over a really bad patch in my life. You understood me, you knew how I was and why, you knew how insecure I felt all the time. It's pathetic but I always think back to that moment where I sat across from you at a table, it was dark outside and snowing, freezing. I grabbed your phone our of your hand and you reached back for it and I held your hand back. I just kept my hand on top of yours, holding it. If I only had one chance to go back and just grip it harder and kiss you and tell you how good you made me feel.


And for the saddest words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these "It could have been".

"I'm going to miss this"

Probably the best weekend of my life.


As I said before, me, A, K, M and E with her boyfriend J all drove up to M's cottage for two nights and I must say it was even better than excepted. Everything, almost, was perfect except I left my camera at home. It kills me just thinking about all those pictures we could have taken, life in an album.


A car ride for three hours, the wind through the window, drinking your coffee, your big eyes, the smoke of your cigarette, your shoulder under my head, I feel so right when I'm next to you. I never think about you, but when you're with me I just wish I could act like you're mine. 


We took a boat across the lake to Lobe's cottage, the sights are beyond fucking beautiful. In all honesty, and I said this so many times, it was the most beautiful place I've seen since Cuba. I feel at peace, the world is quiet here.


We shared a coffee, belmonts, tiramisu, trees, a bed. Why did I feel that way when you moved in closer and you gripped your arms around me? I never feel that way the first time I kiss someone. Drink after drink after drink after drink, people start arguing, J and A don't get through the night and A gets his eye punched in. He said he'd leave in the morning and I felt my stomach sinking.


"You're probably one of the top reasons why I came here."
"Really?" He stops screaming about everything,
"I thought it was obvious."
"No." 
I take his hand and everything is better, soon we go to bed but there was no sleeping, just me and him and the taste of vodka in my mouth for hours.
Everyone is telling me I can do better, so why you on my mind now? I think your name reminds me of happy times.

I love Kate. She just makes me happy, there are to insecurities with her, we just flow together, it's always perfect no matter what we do. I hope she stays in my life, I really do.


So everything was going perfect until last night, we came back to Woodbridge and all stayed at Kate's. A drank too much... and I saw it coming too.
"Quitting smoking"
"Ahahahaa"
"Lets shake on it."
"Can we kiss on it?"
And that's the last sign of any feelings I got from him. 


Me and Kate are talking about my obsession for Cudi, how much I would love to marry him and of course as always, Kate screams out "nightrider!" and A follows her by calling me "Kit" and suddenly,
"But she's got a thing for an Italian kid!"
Everyone hears, I'm too gone to even give a normal reaction, I just smile "You're not sleeping in the same room as me tonight."


Today's morning was dead, F calls me and asks to chill tonight, I guess we will, I'll see Helena and talk to her about everything...


I can't wait to see what's next.