Monday, February 28, 2011

5:30 am

Time flies by when you're trying hard to sleep. The space of time from an hour ago when I woke up, up until now seems like nothing more than a couple of minutes. Everything is so quiet and artificial. Like a movie, a dream. Just images of my sheets and curtains and the scary tapping of the rain. Heart-warming and scary. I look out the window vividly remembering spring nights somewhere far far away from here. I remember the smell of the wet pavement sidewalks after it rained on a hot day, and water shaking down on me from tree leaves and it's branches. I remember every star. Not a single car passing, just a street-light here and there, praying on some sign that would encourage my strong belief in magic. It was 5:30 am. I don't know if that place exists. 


I woke up gasping for air, I don't think I've told anyone about chest pains. Why would I need to? You all know what its like. That little shortness of breath after every bad thought. It just keeps getting worse. It's become way too difficult to sleep on anything but my back. I can't fall asleep on my back, but I do wake up on it. Here's another one, deep breath, trying to catch it. What have I done to myself..


I like these moments. You don't feel anything, except stomach cramps and soar throats, reminding myself that I'm awake. Everything is so pure, clear, unknown. One of those moments when you feel like you've seen the world yet you were just born. As if I was taken back years ago and given a second chance. I'm smiling, and for once the corners of my mouth are rising without me trying. 
Maybe I'm stuck on a train. A train that I hope will take me far far away. 
Back to that place I used to inhibit, that place I pray is more than a dream.


Here it is.. 5:15 am. This only reminds me of one thing. Two summers ago when I stayed up every night for two weeks just to never miss the sunrise. Before the rays hit my bed, it felt exactly like this. A minute was a second, and that is all that exists in my head now and that existed then, time, and how angry its relativity makes me. I'm fully awake now, which scares me, as it comes with voices and shadows and the taunting realization that I have to get ready for school in two hours and face the world. Whether you are in a dream or awake - time moves two if not three times faster during the night. I don't want to go to sleep and leave this world I created for myself. But then again, I don't ever want to see another sunrise for a long long time. When you begin to feel too much, it's merely a sign that it is time for sleep.



Sunday, February 27, 2011

Beware of Enthusiasm and Love.

Both are temporary and quick to sway.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
Oh, it's the best thing that you've ever had,
The best thing you've had has gone away
So don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.



Thursday, February 24, 2011

I took my love down to..

There we sat in the snow, all that time she was silent still. Said; "If you love me, won't you let me know?"

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.


















We're going to finish school, get our honours and our degrees.

We'll meet new people, our parents will finally accept us.
We're going to live in a nice apartment in a nice city,
Where you can pick the furniture and I can pick the tableware. 
And the wallpaper, and the carpet, and the curtains.
Where I can wakeup before you,  and spill my dreams into a coffee mug, so you can smile.
Here will be a balcony, and flowers, and people walking down the street below us. 
The architecture filtering the sun that emits your bones. The coffee and the cream, my marlboro. Plans for the weekend. Equations for happiness. 
Here we will be able to do anything we like, because we'll give each other the freedom to be anyone we want to be. We will be two separate people, not a whole, and there will be comfort in this.


Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside a diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lady lost her love, and now she don't call, 
I'm leaning but I won't fall.
Remember September 11th? You lost your mom. I lost my heart.
Let me finish, I lost my start, 
We'll depart, we'll never meet again, 
That's the story as it's told, but even then,
You're still sitting in my lap.

S. Levy.

Walking down the old carpeted hall way of my shrinks apartment, feeling as my life and memories are slowly falling into place. Like the little "sub" fish of my conscience is finally floating on the surface. She said I have to find you. Whatever it takes, I need to speak to you, I need to find you because you made me who I am today, you're the one who's preventing me from progressing. You're the source of all the grief, love. Clinical grief.
I can find you, its not impossible though it has seemed this way for the past two years. Has it been two years? The kid in the mirror I knew two years ago could comprehend and feel a lot more than the kid I know today. I've lost count, but time only existed when you were around. Time was just around to help me sort out the chaos of the emotions and events that occurred the day we met, and during the years we knew each other, adrenaline pumping through our veins, rushing to our hearts and out our fingertips.. Most of all, time is here to ease the hell that took over after you packed up your whole life with me, our friends and this city, leaving space only for self-pity and amphetamines. That day you packed up all my ability to love and be loved. You know, I've been wondering, what is it that's wrong with me that won't let me be happy with anyone else? I never thought it was you until this day. I'm hitting these keys so hard, I haven't been this angry in a long time, this is as cliche as every other movie I could relate my life to. But I'm also ecstatic, because I want to move on. I hate myself for not realizing this sooner, I hate myself because I look for you in every face I meet. I hate myself because I search for you in every crowd I get lost in. Only unfamiliar places give me hope, since your presence left all the familiar ones. You left me with nothing but memories and the fear to ever love anyone except you. This fear that I thought was just a disability. Today I'm able. 
But I will speak to you again. I will find you before you find me. I will send you all the unsent emails, and you will know all the details of the past two years. You will feel what I've felt. This is what has been missing all along; the lack of closure. I need you now, because you've never left my mind until this day and I cannot continue living this way, I need you to know, because once you do, both of us can move on. I need our fishbowl to break.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

You said you'd be down, and for once it made sense. I liked that moment, it worked, it clicked. You said you thought so too. Nonetheless I shouldn't even be thinking about it because of the past year and a half that I've known you for, I should have learned better than to trust you. But don't you love that? The things that can happen at a party that won't happen in the morning?
Thank god Im past that, not real if you won't be there in the morning.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

For you, B, because I lost you and I lost myself.

I wish I was a photograph
tucked into the corners of your wallet
I wish I was a photograph
you carried like a future in your pocket
I wish I was that face you show to strangers
when they ask you where you come from
I wish I was that someone that you come from
every time you get there
and when you get there
I wish I was that someone who got phone calls
and postcards saying
wish you were here

I wish you were here
autumn is the hardest season
the leaves are all falling
and they're falling like they're falling in love with the ground
and the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
new leaves will come around in the spring
but you can't tell trees those things
they're like me they just stand there
and don't listen

I wish you were here
I've been missing you like crazy
I've been hazy eyed
staring at the bottom of my glass again
thinking of that time when it was so full
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
or sticking straws into the center of the sun
and sipping like icarus would forever kiss
the bullets from our guns

I never meant to fire you know
I know you never meant to fire lover
I know we never meant to hurt each other
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise
I've been wrapping one night stands
around my body like wedding bands
but none of them fit in the morning
they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door
and all that lingers is the scent of you
I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well
all the wishes in the world would come true
do you remember

do you remember the night I told you
I've never seen anything more perfect than
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you

so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there's a kite in your hand
that's flying all the way up to orion
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
cause I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best

I remember when our voices used to sound the same..

Why does everyone always assume I don't date? Why are my friends surprised to know I can actually
love and commit to a male? 
I can, it's just hard for me to find that something special in a person after what I've had with my ex in the past. I'm not looking for something like it, or something better, I'm just looking for something different. So I guess I don't date, because I haven't seen this specific thing I'd like to have. I've stopped looking, and I've been happier, I don't really have that void that was there anymore, or at least I don't feel it anymore. 
I have a few guy friends who I know, I mean- I know about their lives and I can guess what they're going to say next, I've spent a lot of time with them but I can't say it's been enough to KNOW them the way I knew my ex.
That's what I want I guess. Simplicity, but in a very beautiful way. I just want someone I can go out with and exchange understanding glances with. To know we're thinking the same thing or at least to know what they're thinking. Something easy that I don't have to stress about, with no pressure or worries. But do those relationships exist? If I can imagine them, I guess they do. Sometimes I just want someone who's hand I can hold and call them mine. Someone who can come over and cook with me, someone I can lay in bed with and talk for hours. Someone who will go places with me, someone I can take pictures of ahahaha. A little speck of light in my life. Someone who knows how to make good coffee. 
Someone who is possibly in front of me. The issue is the effort to get to where I want to get with them. The issue is that I gave up on putting in that effort. I'm just waiting for someone to make a move. 


But nah, I can wait. I don't think it will be real until I turn twenty-five.

OH MY GOD

THIS IS AMAZING
I just found a photo of a hotel I stayed in, in Italy when I was about 7. I remember this so clearly. I remember how scared I was to take the slides, how I climbed the rocks, how I got bit by a crab. I can't believe what are the chances of me coming upon this picture! Life's amazing ahahhaa.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I said fuck it!

I'm not gonna drown in this pool of pityfull lives, get pebbles of sorrow and anger thrown at me as I sink. I am a lot stronger than that and I'll prove it. I can overcome it and I will be fantastic at it. Fuck Kate why are you being such a fucking pussy? You've handled one of the worlds biggest shits in your life and now your biggest struggle is a bottle? Ahahhahahaa its beyond pathetic. As this ship sinks, I'm not going to allow myself to get pulled under with everyone else aboard. I don't need this escape. know all these emotions have become overwhelming but fuck it! I want them all to come at once , I want a hurricane because know i can take it as I have before. I can see now, how clear it was all to me two weeks ago, and how quickly that clarity can be taken away, this is a self destructive coping strategy, some of us have a lot of grief and feelings far away inside of us, and there is that little subconscious guilt because of trauma or loss, it's as if we punish our self through this disgusting self destructive behavior. Why don't I know that my personality is just being developed, we are way too fragile.
Balance. Balance. Balance. This is a virus, it's confusion, I have been swimming since 3, I'm not stopping now.

Monday, February 14, 2011

This is my papas sweater. Today I'm wearing it, because I finally found it.
This sweater is thirteen years old.
Papa wore it once.
We've never washed it.
I don't ever want to.
Mama bought it for him, she looked for this specific sweater, it took her a long time.
What a beautiful sweater, when he gets better, he'll get out of that white-walled building and wear it.
It will look so nice.
It would have looked so nice.

St Vs

I hope this day won't get worse. I don't think it can. What the hell happened last night? This is just an example of how we  have no control over the universe and the way it aligns our fates. No matter how much I have tried to change the past and how much I have tried to avoid the things that have put me in a bad place, what is meant to happen is going to happen either way. So my Valentine has been taken away from me, along with hope and smiles and heart-shaped pizza. Along with that place I used to come to where I could feel safe as if I was at home, stay up drinking tea and watching Rigby Goes Down. 


Where I woke up before you, made you coffee and couldn't ask for more. Once again, I wish I knew the truth. But I guess in the long run the truth never matters. 


The people in your life are seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My little goldfish..

If you have ever visited a carnival, you have probably seen the goldfish game. Dozens of small bowls containing goldfish are placed in the center of a ring. Players receive three balls for a few dollars, and the goal is to toss a ball and have it land into a bowl. If it does, the player wins a goldfish. Beyond the risk to the poor goldfish, there is another problem: Most people don't really want a goldfish; they are simply inspired to win the contest and test their "tossing" skills. Don't get involved in a competition now, Kate, unless you're sure you want whatever is on offer.


Now do we..

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Happy Birthday, V.

Same people, new feelings. Some feelings I wish I had the strength to overcome since I wouldn't even know where they're coming from. I just sense the hint that they aren't there for the right reasons. Maybe they are, I just know I don't want to feel anything for anyone in a way that could possibly hurt me.

A, I'm really happy for you. I was so happy to see your face on that tv screen, your smile and the pride to know all of its details. I had an amazing time while I was there, but I don't know what else to add as that feeling of guilt I had when leaving is still there.

Walking down the same street that I've walked so many times before, but only this time I couldn't get the image of us out of my head. Fuck why? I walk down the same street to go to Baileys, down the same street for that little forest we party in, Justins, but right.. This is V17. It's been a year. A year since you left, a year to the day you stopped reading this so why do I ever bother writing? Why do I bother? It was all for you.
That moment I got off that bus and began walking along the same path I took this exact same time last year, in a flash everything changed, the first song you ever said reminded you of me came on, and all these memories came rushing like feral waves to my mind. Everyone disappeared, the lights went off. It was just me and the streetlights. The cold glow highlighting snowflakes that now seem so much dirtier than last years. This feeling scratching at my chest yet I was calmer, at least the Earth wasn't slipping from my feet this time. Everything I had flashed before my eyes to remind me how much I lost. I was almost sure I had learned to live with no regrets. Why did I let you go that night? The fact that I was so fucked up I couldn't even look at the one person I loved? Or the fact that it "wasn't meant to be"? It was all my fault, you say otherwise still I just hope to find out the truth one day. I hope to find someone who can speak to me the way you used to.
And then the present comes crashing in "Are you alright?" The song gets louder.
Yes.
"Are you alright?" "Kate? Are you okay?" "Are you alright?" He passes me his smoke, ahahahaha. Just go, you don't need to make this checkmark. "Yes."
No I'm not alright. Sure, I've become a pretty content person but there is a lot of things in my past that to this day I cannot live over. Years ago, months go, weeks ago. Its a long story. So don't ask me if I'm alright. Because we both know you don't give a fuck, you wouldn't sit through half my answer to that question and it's all words that you might throw in because you're observant and moral, though you'd have to be completely shitfaced to sit through everything I could tell you. Still thank you, and maybe I could have told you a short story, and it would have lasted up until the point we walked through the doors of Vinnies house, at which point you would have already been distracted.
So thank god I spent about the first 40 minutes of the party upstairs with Vin, Bailey, Julia and Hayley. Because I love these people, and frankly I could have stayed there all night, laying next to V, holding Baileys hand.
A year later, same people, different stories, different jackets and different shoes. The hugs are different too. The feeling's a little different, but we still feel a little lost.

Friday, February 11, 2011

"KATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I turn around and there you are..

Is it fate or something? After an amazing night I go home, you and I still texting, wishing the other one was there and as I walk away from the escalator I hear a familiar voice calling my name. I needed you there for that little bit that you were, there must have been a reason. Its really nothing like I've experienced before, I understand it but I couldn't explain it to you. We need next weekend. We will have our own motel room, we will go swimming. My god did I ever tell you how much I love swimming? I feel so alive in water, I feel like everything's right, with every wave come more and more rays of joy. I can't wait until we can be there, far from here, together. We will walk along my favourite streets, vice my favourite stores, and I will do anything in my power to make you smile. Everything will be alright.

ecstatic

so happy
starving
smiling
i want to stab you


i want YOU.
i want YOU to fall in love with me. 
and then i want to do what i always end up doing.
im going to take a piece of your heart, and keep it.
and i will continue doing this until mine is full, forgetting how empty yours might soon be.
goodnight.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

caramel latte

I usually just get really happy, all those waves of euphoria, but I don't really know why..it just comes and goes..
But right now it's very clear to me. I know why, and I know I can always think of this when a cloud comes over. I'm so grateful for the next breath I will get to take. I am so grateful to know all of you.


"We've got a lot, don't ever forget that."

NEW SKINS CAST OHG=ADFJSIHFKJSV

This is actually a lot more exciting then I expected! They look perfect. Getting on this tonight.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm afjksdhfhskdjfhksdfsfdsf

Monday, February 7, 2011

I haven't felt this much in so long, it's fucking frightening. I hate this, I'm so used to not feeling anything. But here it is, all in a wave, hitting my front. What do I do? I want to run I want to bury it.. but maybe I'll wake up with a smile.


P.S. Chilog, I do love you, I keep my promises. 

Love is not a victory match..

And now looking through old pictures, and new pictures I realize she's probably got everything I wanted a few months ago, everything I strived for. The silk pastels, the soft smiles, your hands and your voice, how perfectly you worded everything. Why did I ever leave? I miss it, and it's been over a year. So maybe I never got over us, maybe I just forgot. Forgot the words, forgot the conversations, the tears and the chemical explosions. Forgot how perfect we were, how we made a beautiful movie. But I guess that's how it goes, the first; we meet, the second you fall in love with me, then I wake up one morning realizing I don't want anything else. Then something tears you away from me. Unfortunately you were a part of me. Now theres a missing spot. But I'm human aren't I? Every patch gets filled. 

How do you speak to a girl?

Methaphore.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

In my life, I have seen people walk onto the sea, 
Just to find memories, plagues by constant mystery, their eyes cast down, fixed upon the ground.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

i don't remember the last time I felt anything..

But this morning is a different story. As you may already be aware I've been out of my house for a couple of days now, going for about a week prior to this.. and it's not what I excpected. I'm happy.
I never excpected all this support, all this help, this family I have chosen outside the walls of my "home". They're proving you wrong mom. I've never been so greatful. For the first time I feel something, with tears on my face I'm sitting in the backseat of B's car while she's in Tim Hortons getting bagels.. I'm talking to Jay and she's saying how she's always here, because she knows I would always do the same for her, because I'm a great friend and its simple as that.
Alexx, you already kn,ow how I feel. Your house is like a sanctuary to me lately. This feeling of gratefulness, I will never forget it. This goes to everyone else who's been here in the past few days, S, E, K. I can't give up on humanity with friends like these.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

two thousand years this chasing taking its toll..




How were Ben and I ever together? How did I accept him ever taking my hand? How did all that love feel natural? How did I stay up all night hoping for a letter and go to bed the happiest human alive after hours of pouring pints of tears over a single conversation. How did I ever love you? How did I ever love? How did you keep me alive? I still remember the first time we met, perfectly, and I still feel how you have changed my whole life. How you filled every void.. will I ever get a chance to feel that way again? Or do we get it once in a lifetime? Did I miss it.. That was my biggest fear. I hope you're alright wherever you are now, I hope you grow up to live in all the dreams we made up together. 

So in case you're wondering, I used to be a "lover" as well.
I used to write, I used to write letters, I used to sign my name.
Since the time we met, things have only changed
So I never wrote a letter, I never took my true heart, I never wrote it down.
So when the lights cut out, 
I was lost in the wilderness downtown,
Now our lives are changing fast.

Now it seems strange how we used to wait for letters to arrive.
Well like a patient on a table, I want to walk again.

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