"Please go to the guidance office, I made you an appointment"

Lady with her perfectly crimped hair and twenty family photos in golden frames sitting on her desk..


So what else seems to be the problem?
-Well, a friend died about two weeks ago and its just so hard on everyone.. I mean it was only the other day we sat next to each other and shared a cigarette and talked about what we think may make us better people than what we may currently be. He made really interesting points. I guess its just a shame because he was such an intellectual in my life and now it is one less, which is always a tragedy, you know? Not having that one positive influence anymore. And now his brother is going insane and he's one of my favorites so its a little bit of a hassle.
Why is he your favorite?
-Because he understand me, and he's just really intriguing. It eats at me that I can't be beside him every minute of the day, because I know what he's feeling so I spend a good portion of every day thinking about that. They way I don't really have the right to run in there and save him, it's the same way someone felt about his brother.
Could it be a suicide?
-Well, possibly. That would be a thick mix of expectation and surprise.
Things are constantly slowing down, for instance people I live with are chronically insane, but unfortunately it isn't the type of insane I could tolerate nor learn from.. So they are like stop signs along the highway of life, not like that should matter, I'm here because I've run out of oil and I'm stuck and I'm asking for your assistance. 
Do you contemplate suicide?
-Constantly. You're totally missing the point of what I'm trying to say..
You're making this more difficult for me.
-Maybe you need help. 
Go on.
-It's how what I'm doing, and what you're doing and what we're all trying to do now that he's gone is all one big contradiction, which is slowly driving me insane.
Well if it was a suicide how do you feel about it?
-I don't see how imagining that we were all left by choice makes this better but in that case he really should have had sorted his priorities out, maybe make a plan, a different alternative. 
What alternatives do you think you have?
-I thought thats why I got sent here. I don't know. Not observant. I sort of live day by day, I'm not too aware of most things.
We both know that isn't true. 
-Are you tearing up? Miss, please just sign this note, my art teacher is about to be the end of me.


Her eyes became unbearable. There she is all in white with a man by her side inside another golden frame. Something borrowed, something blue.
There's a girl with a short ponytail and a pink shirt with a bow at the back which has sappy shit like "everyday every hour is special" written all over it and I'm already firing my imaginary rifle.

the killers read my mind.

Aggressively we all defend the role we play
Regrettably time’s come to send you on your way
We’ve seen it all bonfires of trust flash floods of pain
It doesn’t really matter don’t you worry it’ll all work out
No it doesn’t even matter don’t you worry what it’s all about
We hope you enjoyed your stay
It’s good to have you with us, even if it’s just for the day
We hope you enjoyed your stay
Outside the sun is shining, seems like heaven ain’t far away
It’s good to have you with us
Even if it’s just for the day.

I'll say the things that you say, sometimes so it reminds me.

Now I'm thinking back, to what I said before, I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore.

It's always at it's worst in the mornings,

But I'll have a smoke and make myself some tea and stay in all day watching movies, I've always been all right without your concern and I think I will be.

"crazy"

Here's love, its standing right infront of me telling me how much it needs me. I spend all my time wanting and preaching about it, but what am I doing now? Making an 180 at the speed of light.

It's a strange thing, the death of a loved one.

It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

Did it all get real? I guess it's real enough.

Is this rock bottom yet? I know everything is gone but I'm still here, well at least I want to be. What gave me the right to think I can save you? I know you lost yourself today, the way I lost it ten years ago. Maybe we just need to stop trying to get back up. Acceptance tends to become easier every year. Stay here, because I need you. The unbearably insane needs company too. Eachother is the only company we can bear. I wish I could love you because I know we would be able to make things okay for eachother again. They've taken everything from us. Maybe we're free now? Rock bottom seems to really be a beautiful start. 

I never dreamed of heaven much,

Until we put him in the ground

I always figured there would be time enough,

I never let it bring me down,

But I can't help it now, looking for faces in the crowd

I've got some friends I never see,

But we're all planning to meet.

We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves;

All together, for eternity.

But don't you weep,

there is nothing, as lucky, as easy or free.

Burn With Me

Your eyes paint a picture so melancholy grey, taking me to a place far away, where everything is warm and familiar. A gray river filled with  fog and distant memories, my past and our future. The most innocence eyes can hold while sparkling with a catch. I have never learned so much about one person in one day just by looking at them. Your eyes are a personal favourite.
There's oil and paint on canvas, there's shades of blue and grey, there are all your emotions, your smiles, your reactions, how your face changes like a movie reel every time I speak. Each scene is more beautiful. 
Calm down, you can tell me anything.
I keep catching myself at the thought of wanting to grab your hand.


I'm coming down now, but today I tasted flight. I smiled as I flew through every life around me, through every street and every noise. It was serene. It was beautiful. When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.

I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don't even know why.

I guess I like to take chances.

What was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane,
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this,
The reasons all have run away,
But the feeling never did.
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live,
Because what's simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is,
It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated.

that's how you fight loneliness

 

Darling I'm drunk and everything that I have loved has turned to stone.

They did not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now.

We're all walking through the hallways and seeing the pain and the glances and we all feel it. Repeatedly thinking, how much we wish we were there for him. We wish we could have made a difference in his day, his week, his life. We think we could have.

We know we couldn't, it is almost impossible to be aware. The same goes for the millions of lives that have and will come to an end during this lifetime.

 Despite this I am sure there is at least one person for everyone and what we can in fact do is be aware of the ones close to us. Stop and wonder if you know what goes on in my head. What goes on in someone's head that you consider your friend. Should be a lot easier shouldn't it? But not everyone is going to call you and tell you that they feel like dying every morning, you'll never look past someone being rude to you, people aren't even capable of wondering WHY anymore. It takes a smile or a simple question, some fucking effort for understanding. Sometimes you will do more than just not ask, you will make sure I feel that you don’t have the slightest interest in hearing what is going on inside my head. A lot of the time, people find out once it’s past too late. It’s been getting worse over the months. Today really put things in perspective didn't it? With everything that keeps happening, this series of unfortunate events I keep catching myself wondering what it would have to take for someone to genuinely care? People listen when someone is dying. People care when someone is dead. I really hope I don’t have to kill myself for you to finally wish you were there for me.

Adam, I want to believe with my whole being that I am not alone when I say I will change in your memory.