this is pathetic

i give the fuck up
on everything
really
i give the fuck up
i guess ill focus on school
and fixing this fucking tattoo
but nothing else even matters anymore


here with taylor
thank god she's real
j outside the door i can hear him moving
do i open it?
no
he told me to go away
i dont know what to stand for anymore
i guess ill stand for the one thing i always stand for
my past

and whats up next door?
this isnt even real
this is just booze speaking

alone

but not really
i feel at home when i'm with friends
this is home
because this is where my heart is
i lost my home a long time ago

maybe he deserves a second chance

I mean I never really tried with O. He was just there. But he made things different, he made me forget the chaos of life, that is what's making me think of him now.. and in two months I know he'll have my back through anything. So I'll try again, maybe you and I can decorate your apartment, pick tableware, curtains, bedsheets.. We can cook..


"Maybe you're just missing what's infront of you" Can you give me a sign? 

"i love you, don't ever leave"

This isn't a story about overcoming mountains, this isn't a story of boy meets girl or friend into stranger, this isn't a story about self destruction or pity, this is not a story of sad or happy or getting there. 
This is a story about oxygen and how much I need it. The story about the whirlwind that forms in my head and heart when I take a breath, standing outside on a winter day under the black cloud of our atmosphere that scared me to this day. Its the chemicals in the air, the fireworks inside of me. Its not excitement, or a laugh, or even love. Its understanding, its my universe. Understand something and it will understand you. The way I found these wires from me to you Alexx, the way J found them from him to S. This way is our planet and I. Even if its not all too clear right now I know somewhere in my head it is. We're here, this is our home, lesson three; embrace it all.

Meh ahaha.

I'm smiling. Yes, tonight was really good, I think. It feels like it was so long ago already maybe I'm just tired..

• You're an amazing boy. You're such a beautiful person, and you keep surprising me with every word. It's just enlightening, if we had maybe three more of you in that room tonight this world would have already become a better place. I really like what you said about your ex. that made me really happy to realize there are still men with hearts like yours out there. Stay gold.
• I love ya, B. 
• Everyone surprised me tonight. In the most wonderful way possible. Thanks for all your words, I'm glad we've all grown so much.
• I miss you, P.

I'm building something.. and this vision, this vision is breathtaking. 

"We only live in the minds of other people"

Thank you Sarah. Today in philosophy discussing the same idea that struck me two years ago. That we "don't matter" and how in two centuries we won't exist or be remembered therefore none of our actions matter the slightest bit. I remember how this theory affected my life. Thank god I realized how stupid and wrong it is. Yet I still stick to some of the ideas I had back then. So is there an ultimate meaning to our lives? To our existence, or is all pure absurdity? This space of time between birth and getting to where we want to be, Thomas Negel saying it's all absurd, and we need to accept that. Stop going between not caring and taking yourself way too seriously, find a balance. 


We watch our soaps to tell us how good our lives are, 
We create gods and goddesses to put purpose in our lives. 


They asked me to speak today. "No, that's all wrong. You will probably get offended but I think you're wrong for using God or some kind of greater power to tie meaning into your life. We created "reason". We created the word and the meaning of "reason". There is no such this as "reason". It's something we planted into our brain because of the idea of "action and reaction", but the universe is just so much beyond "reason". It doesn't know of meaning, and we are way too small to ever comprehend that. We aren't nearly intelligent enough to understand it, and we never will, that's why we choose god to put find that meaning. There shouldn't be any, because it's true, we live in the minds of other people, for how long? 100 years? Create your own meaning if you need one. Create a life that is eventful enough for you to never be able to stop and think "What is the meaning?"
The Stoics were right and you'll never understand it. Stop wasting time." 

I LOVE SOBRIETY

JUST SAYING

Child Prostitution and Class

What's Wrong?

I need to sleep. I need to get enough sleep. I'm done with school, shouldn't I be happy now? I think I'm jut tired. The cloud feels like it's coming on, but I'm not going to let it. Remember, resilience. Everything should be good after C's. Just read my horoscope, don't act in a spontaneous way, just stay calm and carry on! 

thank you ariel

10 years.

A decade.


Ten years of... I can't put myself through the time of looking for the rights words to sum up the past ten years. Ten years that you've been gone.


A customer just came in, asked me if I speak Russian. 
"Yes.You ask me that everytime you come in."
"Well you don't seem too eager about it."
"Because it's hard for me to speak Russian."
I stopped there. When did it become hard? How long has it been since I only knew Russian.. Ten years. When you were by my side, when I could relate to kids with siblings. 
"Do you have grandparents?"
"No."
"Oh.. are they in Russia?"
"No, I don't have grandparents ahaha."
"That's unusual."
..Not really..
"Don't forget where you're from."


But I'm forgetting.
I feel like it never existed, it feels like nothing more than a dream and I was born not earlier than 7 years ago. But I still hold on to the memories.
That room on Frunze street, building number 5. I remember you holding my hand when we crossed the street, I remember always getting you to stop at the red playground. Where I sat on the swing and listened carefully to you and mom talk. I remember tears, I remember you lying to me every time I asked what was wrong. I remember you squeezing my wrists onto the couch and not letting me move when I made you angry. I remember sitting on top of your shoulders and feeling like I was bigger than anything in this world, but you wouldn't speak to me.
But I also remember being in my room in that apartment, hiding from you under the desk when we were playing hide and seek. I never had anyone to play with. I hated all the kids at school and my friends were  older and lived far away. Just my room where I built a fort under my desk and played my own games. But you were always there. I might not remember much but fuck, I'll never forget how much you loved me. The tall wardrobe that looked like a giant, the balcony covered by shade coming from the trees that hovered above me when I sat there and made up stories of my future. 
I always tell people not to ask "what if?" but what if? What if you were still here with us? I know we would be perfect. You took his place, you took more than his place, you were the best source of protection anyone could ever ask for. I wish I could be like you. Mom wishes I could be like you. I know these problems wouldn't exist. Maybe they would but I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with everything if you were with me. I wouldn't ever need another male in my life. So maybe I would have turned out right, but now my head's a mess. And a heart? Maybe you took it with you. I just know no other man can take your place, no other man is unconditional. I keep telling people and myself I don't remember you, but I do. I just pray these small memories won't fade. Because they mean EVERYTHING. I wish my memory was a little clearer. More than anything in this world, I want to remember. I need to remember. So ten years may be nothing, but to me, they are everything I have.. to be more accurate, it's the six years beforehand that give my whole meaning life.
I've become strong and I am becoming stronger everyday.. But nothing ever matters, because all I really want is to go back to that sunny place where it was just you and I, where I never saw past your eyes and your arms, where for me insanity and your words floated on the same waves of normalcy. What am I without you? What became of you, how did you burn out without him? Why you? Why him? What went wrong? Running over the same old ground. Same old fears. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. I love you more than anything this world has ever seen, and I have never meant this so much. So happy birthday, tonight we'll do everything you wanted us to. I will never forget you, that is the only promise I know I can keep in this life, so save a place in heaven, until the next time we meet, forever.

And the sky was made of amethyst
and all the stars look just like little fish
you should learn when to go
you should learn how to say no

might last a day yeah
mine is forever
might last a day, yeah
well mine is forever

when they get what they want they never want it again
when they get what they want they never want it again

go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything take everything i want you to

And the sky was all violet I want it again, but more violet, more violet
hey, i'm the one with no soul
one above and one below

go on, take everything take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything i want you to

i told you from the start just how this would end
when i get what i want i never want it again

go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on take everything take everything take everything 
take everything.

Thoughts

Sitting in this restaurant waiting for Oliver to come back. This place is so beautiful, the lights, everything about it. I missed this area, Yonge and Eglinton, it's been so long.  But did I miss it? Why can't I stay focused? That's a different story.


Sitting here listening to couples converse. How different people can be, it's insane. The way I speak to a "romantic interest", I tend to make things as comfortable possible, I learned to, there's never a reason to be nervous. I'm watching this young woman sit across this man and I can feel her heart racing from here. She's smiling, she keeps talking, she can't stop she's trying anything to continue the conversation. But he, sitting back, beer in hand, couldn't give less of a fuck if its shaved radish or carrots in his plate, this lady, she's gonna explode. I can see myself in her though, how simple things get when you're watching from afar..

So many people, so many different lives, but you can tell so much just by looking carefully into their eyes.

This woman sitting across an older man. She's paying attention but looks like her head's somewhere far away. The lines under her eyes, the worry lines, what will I look like when I'm her age, what did she look like when she was mine? Did she look younger? What happened to cause this look in her eyes?

I lose myself in these places.

...And then he comes walking in.

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU
I WANT YOU TO HIT ME

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

HARDER 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU 

FUCK YOU
I FUCKING HATE YOU
GO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE
FUCK
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
no... I love you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Please don't stop
don't stop
please
please
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME
"I hate you so much"
"Really?"
"I hope you know."
"Well that's too bad because I  love you"
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
I'll go insane if I hear about you and someone else again.
Be mine. No, I don't want you. Just fucking belong to me.
Lust? LUST?
FUCK OFF.

Remember, its all about perception, right?

Okay well lately mine has been wonderfully adjusted to the right level where I care about what REALLY matters and is going to make a significant change in my life. I'm ending this semester on a high note. I'm starting this year on a higher note. The planet makes me happy.

You Always Manage to Surprise My Heart

"Go count the stars outside. Multiply that number by the stars hidden by pollution. Then multiply that by 2. That's how much I love you."
"That's infinity, mate."


I guess it's been difficult to be sentimental. But just wait till I see you again. I can't bring my feelings across properly anymore because they have been overwhelmed by worries. Worries of you and where you'll be tomorrow, in a month.. who you'll marry in ten years.
You asked me today why I love you. I told you not because you make me wake up with a smile or because I'm happy when I'm with you.. No, I love you because you have a pure heart, and that is what I told you. But you don't understand. You don't understand how rare, how significant that is in this world. With everything that has been thrown at you in the past 16 years and the hell that I believe you lived through in the past year, your heart remains in the right place. Unlike me, you are capable of so much love. Not infatuation, not lust, pure love for other human beings. And we fail to see the fact that these hearts are an endangered species because it has been masked by these feelings and actions people perform that we consider "love". For once I know that someone genuinely loves me and isn't about to evaporate from my world..This is why I love you.


I can't believe I've managed to keep you in my life. I miss your eyes and your hands. I'll see you soon.

I don't know where I am I don't know where I've been but I know where I wanna go..

... I know what to write about but am I supposed to write?.. Why do I even? On a daily basis now? Cause people finally read it? This is unnecessary I should just write important things down. But last night was important. 

Last night was amazing. Though my plans that I have been looking forward to all week were slightly shifted everything worked out to be amazing. Everything about it. Of course no one likes walking for forty-five minutes in the blistering cold but it's all good when you have something to talk about that will make everyone laugh.


What I noticed about every party that I have attended lately is I always bump into people from different parts of my past/present. A party has become like my past.. in a room. No it's not what it sounds like. Maybe it is. Either way I hug them all the same. I love coincidence. 


But this all came after I made the decision not to break my streak.  Which was more difficult than it has ever been and you, little soldier understand more than anyone.. Looking around I felt like just breaking down I can't believe I was this far in.. Rebecca looked at me saying that she doesn't know me too well but she is proud that I'm doing this, she really meant it, it was adorable, and if someone is putting so much effort into telling me this like she did then we must be doing something right..But without even knowing why I'm saying no I smiled and said no, made coffee and just followed my tips on enjoying life. And we did, didn't we? Now we looked around and laughed, seeing myself in all those kids, just talking, I feel infinite when I'm with my friends. Also I haven't laughed for so long.. I look so creepy smiling while writing this at work..
There was a guy last night that knew S. and it got me thinking about the other night at his birthday. Sitting on the couch texting A... Looking at all these people and trying to get over it. He came over and sat next to me and just hugged me. Not just a hug, he wrapped his arms around all of me and I felt so so safe. I haven't felt that feeling in so long. His shoulders felt like mountains. 
"Katya I love you so much"
"Aahhaa you're so drunk"
"Are you okay? You know how happy I am you're here right? I can't believe you came here from work, I know it's close but I appreciate it so much."
"I feel so safe with you"
"You are. As long as you come to me you will always be safe. As long as you come to me nothing will ever happen."
"Are you my big brother or something?"
"I am. You're Russian, I'm Russian, we go together, and no one fucks with us, we're the most beautiful race, remember that."
"I wish we weren't so fucked. But it's okay, someone told me that's the beauty."

I feel like..

Balling my eyes out.. Just crying in this bed again like I did during the summer. 


But I can't anymore, I'm too different now..
I want to thank Lisa for tonight, for what you told me.. I'm just going to stop thinking about what happened tonight. I'll get over that in a few days..hours anyways.
I don't even know where all this sadness is coming from. Nowhere I guess.


But what about you? This is the second night in a row I'm getting drunk calls from you. Why don't you feel comfortable with calling me during the day anymore? What happened? Theres so much love here but what the fuck is happening.. I'll see you tomorrow. Today that is.


Either way tonight was good.. Especially D. he's magical. 


In the morning the film crews start arriving
With donuts, coffee and reporters
The kids were waking up, hung over
The neighbors were starting up their cars
The garbageman were emptying the dumpsters
Atheists were praying full of sarcasm
And the genius next door was sleeping
Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm

If you just hold in your breath
'Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'Til you thought it through
You foolish child 

Too pretty.

I don't know what happened last night.. Something clicked.. I haven't felt that stomach dropping feeling in so long...

If you just hold in your breath..

...You'll come back to the top and float. 

This is for you. My special friend. 

I'm driving through snowy Richmondhill wishing I was a little closer to my favourite city. I opened this new page, I have so much to write but I don't know weather or not I should post it.. Because the irony is we ignore the ones who love us.  

Oh well fuck that, here goes; I'm happy we got to know each other in these cold months. I'm so happy we crossed eachother's paths as we made the same decision in life. Now we're walking down the same road, a road of joy and comfort. I don't want to leave. I never told you about the fact that I have no idea where I'd be without your help. I never realized what I was going through, I never even realized it was an existing problem. Then you came along and gave me hope. You opened my eyes. Now it's us two, and this battle, and we're getting through, we really are. You're my little hero. My little soldier. 

So these winter months turned out to be a lot warmer than expected. Because walking through this town with the red and white lights, the snow circling me, I'm smiling. It's not an ecstatic smile, but it's not fake either. I am content, a little paranoid, but that's alright. We may still be on a payroll for our past, but we're almost done. And with the strength you posses, little soldier, you'll get through anything. Girls with eyes like yours are made to smile. So let's teach each other everything we know. Lets learn, perceive, believe and hope. Most importantly, let's find beauty in everything. The way I found a shitload of it in you.

I hope you feel better.

Because you're so beautiful. In so many ways.


And I know what heartbreak is, I remember clearly what it feels like, and I still know how hard it is to get over something. But I learned that your eyes must do some raining if you're ever going to grow. I love talking to you, I can't even explain why. Something about you just sets me off. So stay. I'll be here for you, because I think you have a good heart. I also know where you're coming from, so everytime it hurts I will try and make you laugh. 


And we'll keep working on the problem that we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven remainder, our lives as fractions of a whole.

Is This All a Dream?

I've wanted to write about this for a while now, but it's been hard to sit down and focus with everything that has been happenning..
With this sobriety and with this happy fix I have with my friends, living through life every day has become more like drifting through an ocean. Diving deep, it's so beautiful. An ocean somewhere deep inside my mind, somewhere in my dreams. Maybe I'm just tired. When you're suffering from a lack of sleep everything seems like a dream. Maybe it's my mind trying to block out how I'm really supposed to feel going through this.

Hmm, yeah I never talked to anyone about this. I just said it's really difficult. I was on a straight path through-out the break and then I felt New Years just pushing me off that path. Thank god it was New Years, I guess I never even realized how much all those nights pushed me around, and that was almost every night.. I'm gonna hold on. I finally know what addiction is.

As for drugs, my impression is that their effect was almost completely negative, simply removing people from meaningful struggle and engagement. Just the other day I was sitting in a radio studio waiting for a satellite arrangement abroad to be set up. The engineers were putting together interviews with Bob Dylan from about 1966-7 or so (judging by the references), and I was listening (I'd never heard him talk before -- if you can call that talking). He sounded as though he was so drugged he was barely coherent, but the message got through clearly enough through the haze. He said over and over that he'd been through all of this protest thing, realized it was nonsense, and that the only thing that was important was to live his own life happily and freely, not to "mess around with other people's lives" by working for civil and human rights, ending war and poverty, etc. He was asked what he thought about the Berkeley "free speech movement" and said that he didn't understand it. He said something like: "I have free speech, I can do what I want, so it has nothing to do with me. Period." If the capitalist PR machine [term used in the question] wanted to invent someone for their purposes, they couldn't have made a better choice.

                                                                     -Noam Chomsky

But now I don't have this. What do I have? I have you, but I need something to take this anger out on. I think I'm in love, so I'm back to day 1.

I don't really know about you..

There was something so beautiful about that night. Something that clicked. But I feel like you're a tiny bit insane. But it's alright because I'm twice that.
I'm going to be your friend, we're going to continue the ride in a shopping cart we started only hours ago.
You're special.
We walked, we held hands, we talked, we watched the sunrise. It felt like summer.

life soundtrack

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things slide by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Cell Block Tango.

Not only was this the best New Years I have ever had, I am certain of this year being magnificent.